Loneliness

Coming to the end of yet another weekend spent doing absolutely nothing. On one hand, I like (and need) the quiet time to decompress away from people. My weeks are hectic. And filled with constant verbal interaction and noise. On the other hand, I would really love to have people/someone to hang out with. Someone to talk about normal things with or to analyze my work week with, whatever I feel like I need at the time. I also would love to hear other people's stories and thoughts on things. Even just sitting in mostly silence and consuming tv/movies/music/social media/stupid games on my iPhone would be welcome. It's been a very long time since I've had people I could do that with.

I've found it so hard to connect with people here... So often I'll be talking with someone and they'll do that thing where they make a comment and leave it hanging in the air as if to say 'don't you agree?', and it feels SO AWKWARD because most of the time I want to say 'no, I actually feel the complete opposite and/or do not understand your point of view'. I am a hugely open-minded person, and I value the fact that everyone has the right to their own opinions and thoughts... but it becomes severely exhausting when they're constantly assuming I think the same and I am constantly in conflict with their thoughts.

So the efforts involved with trying to build connections have really pushed me away from even trying much lately. It's just too hard, after dealing with my work week. I hate it and I want to change it, but I feel like I don't have it in me most days. I constantly wish for someone who just understands that most days it feels easier just to sit around and do nothing, rather than fight to find people to do something with or somewhere to go. I wish for someone who will pick me up (both literally and figuratively) and do the thinking for me. Who will say 'hey, I know you feel overwhelmed right now, but you'll feel better if you come to meet up with me before you go home and change straight into your pyjamas and check out for the night'.

I have tried, don't get me wrong, but I haven't found that here.

Introduction

So... I've decided to give this whole blogging thing another try. Anonymously, at least for now. I'm not sure exactly how I'll gain readers/followers if I'm not connecting it up with my twitter account or telling anybody that this is my blog, but I think the only way this thing is going to work for me me, for now, is if it's totally anonymous. I'll be as honest as I can, but not identify myself or where I currently live/work. Suffice to say I live in the suburbs, and have been in this place for almost 2 years. I've lived in many different places over the years and while my aim is to find a place where I feel settled... this simply isn't it. At least not so far. But I'm not really sure where would feel more like home. There are places I dream of living, but none that are really feasible at this time. My current job is extremely challenging, my bosses are shockingly unappreciative, and the whole thing very overwhelming. It makes me feel sad, and restless, and hopeless. A lot of the time I feel like I'm just treading water, not progressing in my life. Not a fun way to be feeling in my 30s. So hopefully I can find some purpose or happiness in my daily life. Moving around as much as I do, and working as a nanny, I don't get the opportunity to form many social connections. Maybe I will be able to make some through this blog. If you're out there, reading this, and feel the same way - if you feel isolated or overwhelmed or purpose-less - reach out to me.